Insomnia? Or just not wanting to dream...?

I have missed my dad more than ever today. Even that is an understatement. His death was something I never even wanted to think about. Because I depended on his love more than anything else, I was so sure God wouldn't take him home so soon. Now, it's not just a topic I don't want to think about; it's reality. I guess the denial phase has passed. I realize now that I have lost him for good. He's not coming back. It's been a few years since I have had such little control over my own tears. I've always been able to suppress them to the point that I didn't even know I needed to cry. I cried the day my mom died. And I cried when my dad was diagnosed with cancer - having no treatment options available. I cried as he lay dying. Other than that...no tears...even when I wanted there to be tears.

July has always been a month I loved. I love Independence Day, Pioneer day (here in Utah), ...my birthday. Now, July is almost here and I sit in complete dread. The first holiday with neither of my parents. The one year mark of my moms passing. Turning 35.

Thirty five.

I've always been proud to be known as "Bobs daughter". I used to be a daughter, sister, friend...Now here I am, without a title. Another year passing, and I feel as though I continually have less and less to show for myself. I have nothing to be proud of. I rescued a cat to try and make the silence more bearable. But even she has been used against me as a selfish act on my part. I don't know what is worse. Being surrounded by people who have no empathy for depression, or being cut off from everyone. I'm deciding that living in silence is better than having those closest to me not believing a word I say, simply because I have a mental illness. I'm tired of being accused of going "off my meds" simply because I defended myself. As if one anti-depressant would make such a drastic difference in my attitude anyway. The more depressed I get, the more I shut down and isolate. Defending myself against those who feel like they can take advantage of me, has absolutely nothing to do with medication. The people I have always looked to for guidance are the ones who have never actually sat down and talked to me. They have never asked me how I feel, how I'm doing, or what I even want. They have never taken the time to actually get to know me. In their minds, I am the timid, shy, quiet little girl who never stood up for herself. I've been accused of not wanting to grow up. But the truth is...I have, long before my childhood years were up. They will not allow themselves to see that. They will not allow me to have my own thoughts and opinions. And when I state them, it totally rocks their world off it's axis. And when that happens, they jump to their own conclusions about my sanity. I have no voice. They will never hear me-no matter how loud, or quiet, I am.

My cat may symbolize my own selfishness, but after being hospitalized for a week, she hasn't left my side since I've been home. But that is a post for another day.