Thoughts while driving

I recently got back from a road trip I took to Texas. As most everyone knows, I lived in the Houston area in my early twenties (2002-2007). This trip did not go as planned, but that didn't make it a bad thing. It was actually very enlightening. I have a very unusual relationship with a family that has grown over the years. What makes it unusual, is he was my therapist when I lived there. I met his wife and older kids (who were still little at that time), just on occasion at the office. It's not usually advised to maintain friends after the therapeutic relationship ends. In probably 9 times out of 10, that's true. However, this family has accepted me, and cheered me on throughout the years. That is where I ended up staying...very last minute, with his family. I am eternally grateful for them.

I am a person who seems to latch onto friendships and not want to let go. I moved back to Utah in 2007, and have had contact over time with my "old" supervisor, Jim, from the hospital I worked at for the 5 years I lived there. He now lives in the Austin area, and since I drove, thought it would be nice to go that direction to see him on my way home. When I first started working with him, it was a little rough. I was young, and not very experienced. However, a mutual respect grew, and we (at least I) enjoyed the time we worked together.

When I was at his house the other day, we laughed as he told his wife stories. I was about 21-22 years old when we first met, and he said I was the most naive girl...and I was! I was a born-and-raised small-town girl with absolutely no idea about the world. I chuckled that day, but on my second day of driving, my thoughts turned serious. So much so, that I "lost" some time, grateful that my "muscle-memory" remembered how to safely drive. (Don't tell me you've never driven somewhere and couldn't remember how you got from point A to point B)!

Anyhow...I need to get this out.

The years I spent in Texas, and the things going on in my life while I worked at the hospital are not well known. I've never been open about my personal life...not the details, anyway. I try to work hard, but I wasn't always the best employee. Jim was always reasonable, and I'm certain he had no idea what was going on...influencing my life.

Yes, I was naive. I said I lived a sheltered life.

I did not live a sheltered life. I was sheltered from the rest of the world, though I was not sheltered from trauma and abuse. I've lived my life terrified to admit this.

The years I worked at the hospital are full of sexual harassment. Mainly by a cop, two doctors, and an imaging staff member. The cop and one of the doctors both worked at nights in the emergency department. The cop would threaten my job, and threaten the possibility of finding another job...among other things when I didn't react to his suggestive moves. The ED doctor (Dr. B) was just very obvious about what he wanted. This happened almost daily. Only my two closest friends at the hospital knew, and they tried to get me to report him. I was scared. All I could think was, who's going to believe me? My word against his. Only when it got to the point that I was scared to walk out to my car after my shift, hurrying and looking over my shoulder, did I very casually (cause that's what I do), joke about an incident in front of my boss (not Jim). He stopped in his tracks and asked for more details. He said he was going to HR at that moment to report Dr. B. I don't know what became of that, as no one followed up with me. All I know is Dr. B. didn't talk to me anymore.

I never reported the cop. Or the other doctor. He had a reputation as not a nice guy...full of himself...didn't socialize with many. One day, he started being really nice to me. Feeling honored, and a good "customer service girl", I was nice back to him. When it came up that I was being sent to a cardiologist (his specialty), he offered to see me for free. (He was not in my insurance network). It turned out payment was permission to feel me up in his office. Keep in mind, I was a young girl with very low self-esteem, and terrified. I was also struggling to pay my bills, and a very little support system. This seemed a small price to pay, considering everything else going on, so I didn't say anything.

The imaging tech...after months of "caring" and trying to gain my trust, pulled me into a short "secret" relationship with him. Looking back, I know he was using me. He was biding his time until his true "love" left her husband for him. This only fueled the cop when he caught on, since he had been watching me closely. I didn't realize it at the time, but those were some of the scariest years of my life.

There was one man who was genuine..."D".  I spent a lot of time with him. He always walked me to my door, opened doors, and pulled out my chair. I knew he wanted something more, but I didn't allow it.  I've often wondered if I was using him during that time, and why? I've recently come to the conclusion that he was my "safe space". I knew, without a doubt, that with the treatment I was getting from other men, D would never hurt me, or even touch me, without my permission. As far as a romantic interest, he was more of a gentleman than any man has ever been, even to this day.

The incidents in Texas, after a very thorough intake at the state hospital, convinced my case worker to contact Texas Adult Protective Services, even though she knew nothing would come of it due to the statute of limitations. Honestly, I'm relieved for that, cause I did not want to go down that road again.

So...if all this wasn't enough...I had started therapy for the first time, and things from how I was raised were coming up. Things I thought were "normal". Learning that many things should not have happened. Sexual abuse that started when I was young. The belief that I am not good enough being instilled into me. The belief that I am not smart enough for any type of higher education. The belief that getting along with my siblings was bad. The belief that I would never make it on my own. The belief that reporting sexual harassment from someone I babysat for as a teen would only be shot down by the person I trusted...because she didn't want to lose her close friendship with the guy. So many "truths" that shouldn't have been trusted. So many "truths" that I still struggle to let go of.

I've had some really remarkable therapists who've tried to get me to see a different way. One truth that remains true...the things we learn as little children, and what we are raised believing, is how we view the world as adults. I know people can overcome. I know people can change their belief system and go on to live successful, happy lives.

I'm still working on that. I'm still trying. And, thankfully, I still have a really skilled, and very patient therapist. I may need therapy the rest of my life, if only to remind me that I am worthy of happiness...and love.