Numb

I got the biggest shock of my life today. A lifelong friend/neighbor committed suicide today. I think I am learning the true meaning of 'shock' right now. I feel as though this happened to someone I didn't know. Maybe that's true....it wasn't him...
I haven't talked to Jarod in years, and I am going through a long list of "what ifs". This list goes WAY back to when we were kids. I know it doesn't do any good, but I still keep thinking...

When we were little kids, (his parents were divorced) we had sleepovers when he wasn't with his mom. I don't remember details, because I was too young to really know anything. But his dad soon got custody of him.

Jarod and I "dated" when I was in 8th grade, he in 7th. We were both in a school play, so we had to be there long before school started. Being neighbors, we walked together. One morning, he gave me one of the biggest compliments anyone has ever given me. He told me he had a problem with swearing. I didn't swear, so he was always careful about what he said in front of me. In other words, he said, he wanted to be a better person when he was with me. I can tell you the exact spot we were at, I remember it so clearly. That was the day we started 'going out'. He was always nice to me. He made me friendship bracelets (which I believe I still have one). He even made me a tape of love songs. (Remember, we were in Middle School, so this was a big deal).

I used to babysit for his parents. His little brother knew of our relationship, and would sing that little kissing song. (We never kissed until the Valentines Day Dance, when we tried to come up with our 'song'. He was my first kiss :) We lasted about as long as most couples last at that age...which is not very long. This is one of my what ifs.

After that year, I went on to High School and we ended up in our own groups of friends. We didn't talk too much anymore.
This is another what if.

After HS, he lived in CA for a little while, and I saw him during his visits. I wrote him a 3 page letter apologizing for what seemed the end of our friendship years before. I wanted to stay in touch with him, but I didn't make good on that.
What if...

He got married and had a son. I did a little cross-stitch wall hanging with his name, birth date, weight, etc. on it. I again only saw them briefly during their visits. I never approached him because I thought it would be too weird.
What if...

All these 'what ifs'...I know it doesn't do any good to think about these things. I can't change the past. ...but, what if I would have been a better friend, had taken a more aggressive approach to staying in touch, especially when I knew his life was a mess. I've been depressed before. I have done things that could of easily ended my life. I shut people out. I fought with people, but I also had people praying for me, and who didn't give up on me. Point is, I know what mindset I was in, and I know what kind of help I accepted and, more often, rejected. Maybe things would have ended the same for Jarod, even if I had reached out...

...but...




...what if...